On March 18, I walked away from the classroom and began an intensive partial hospitalization program for OCD and Anxiety. The program was 100% voluntary but I felt like it was anything but that for me. Deep down I knew that if I didn’t take the opportunity afforded to me that I stood the chance of losing everything I deemed important: family, career, reputation and witness.
This first post is going to be a bit longer than ones that will probably follow as I outline my struggles with OCD/Anxiety that have been present for approximately 30 years or longer. My disclaimer: I don’t have a degree in clinical psychology, so any diagnoses have come with the help of medical professionals, clinical therapists and multiple “self help” books. Through self reflection, I have been able to identify areas of my life where struggles began and events that led to certain symptoms. I encourage you to read the same resources and establish your own conclusions about your childhood through self reflection; it truly is liberating!
In 2004, my family experienced the death of my father due to Stage IV brain cancer. He was diagnosed in July 2003 and passed away April 28, 2004. It was a relatively quick battle and one that was devastating to me personally. When he was diagnosed, I was a college student living 4 hours away. The spring 2004 semester was one of the hardest for me and I ended up moving home about halfway through to help my family care for my dad. After he passed, I moved back in with my roommate 4 hours away and returned to life as “normal”. After a couple months passed, she sat me down and gave me 2 options: get help or move out! When I visited our campus mental health office, through much discussion and evaluation it was determined that I had OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and the most damaging words that therapist left me with was “it will be manageable until you have kids”.
My only education surrounding OCD was that it meant you liked “order”. Everything had a place and everything had to be IN its place. As long as I lived by myself, I could control my environment. At the time of my OCD diagnosis, I was also diagnosed with Depression; we treated that with medication. Over the years, medication and talk therapy have been my “go to”…but not consistently! When life’s stressors build up, I would schedule an appointment; when things were “fine”, I would be able to manage. This back and forth continued for 6 years; until I met my now-husband in 2010.
When we got married and lived together, our entire relationship was built around accommodating my OCD (although at the time I had no idea that’s what we were doing). I would beg him to help around the house and he would do his best to do the dishes (load/unload the dishwasher) or laundry (wash/dry/fold clothes) but I always found myself angry that it wasn’t done “right”. I remember thinking “doesn’t he see that the glasses go on this shelf?” and “can’t he tell I don’t fold my shirts that way”. Soon the thoughts became words and our relationship became a battlefield. So much so that he just stopped trying to “help” and developed the mindset that he couldn’t do anything “right” so why even try. I was unloading and reloading the dishes anyway and unfolding and refolding laundry, so why not just let me do it “right” to begin with.
(I will add that during this time I’m also doing “talk therapy” but I’m approaching it as if there is something wrong with HIM; he’s not doing things the way I need them done, he’s not helping me with what I need help with, he’s not supporting, etc. Never did I consider that I might be the issue.)
Our relationship continued in this way until our first daughter was born in October 2015. (Remember the therapist who gave me my initial diagnosis? She said I would be able to manage the OCD until I had kids…) In June 2016, when our daughter began to be mobile and I was unable to keep up with the laundry, dishes, general household mess, work and raising an infant, I “checked out”. Mentally, I was overwhelmed. I had developed ideas on how things SHOULD be done and I just couldn’t keep up. Since I couldn’t do EVERYTHING well, I did NOTHING.
I went to work, came home and planted myself in my recliner every day. I was unable to physically do anything around the house. Just the thought of unloading/loading the dishwasher was overwhelming. Laundry – forget it! We lived out of baskets 99% of the time. There was clutter everywhere! I am so grateful that during this time, my husband was able to stay on top of cleanliness but the disorganization and chaos were too much for me to even think about. In 2017, we introduced a second daughter into the mix and the chaos went from bad to worse.
To handle the chaos, I overcorrected. The pendulum swung so far in the other direction, I was controlling every aspect of our lives. I did the finances, meal planning, grocery shopping, calendar, extracurricular activities, etc. We stayed busy constantly; our summers were planned by mid-May and every single day full of activities. We were never home. Both girls played soccer from the moment they were old enough; basketball, karate, art class, cheer, summer camps, church camps, VBS. You name it, we’ve done it. From time to time my husband would comment that we were TOO busy…and I would justify our hectic schedule by saying “they are all activities the girls WANT to do”. In reality, I never really asked them; I just signed them up.
(Up until this point in my life, a very important theme can be identified. Almost every sentence where I describe our life begins with the word “I”. I have been a Christian since I was 7 years old and accept Christ as my savior and He has always been present in my heart. Until this point in my life, he’s been like a passenger that drives the vehicle on family vacation when I need a break. At this point of my story, He takes center stage and becomes the one driving force behind every action I take. I attribute every step from here on out to the One who guides my steps and goes before me to prepare the way.)
Around late April/early May 2024, the Holy Spirit stirred my heart and I had the very distinct thought that I was DONE living like this. I was done being a bystander in my life. I was done letting my OCD/Anxiety/Depression control every aspect of my life. I made the appointment with my psychiatrist who presented me with 2 options: telehealth OCD-specific treatment or a partial hospitalization program in person that would require time away from my job. You can probably guess the option I chose! I reached out to NOCD, was connected with a therapist and began Exposure Response Prevention treatment to help ease the anxiety surrounding OCD.
(Stay tuned for Part 2…)